How to Tell When Foodstuffs
Should Be Discarded

The Gag Test

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.

Eggs

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Dairy Products

Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it already is.

Mayonnaise

If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

Frozen Foods

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting program in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled..or wrecked, anyway..by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

Meat

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three block radius to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.

Lettuce

Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

Canned Goods

Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

Carrots

A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.

Wine

It should not taste like salad dressing.

Potatoes

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense leafy undergrowth.

Chip Dip

If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

General Rule of Thumb:

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.